


You Gonna Piss on the Stick, Or What?

by Devereauxs_Disease



Series: Space Invader [7]
Category: Adam (2009), Charlie Countryman (2013), Hannibal (TV), Hannibal Extended Universe - Fandom, Spacedogs - Fandom
Genre: Adam would like everyone to keep their damn germs to themselves, Bev and Darko have a talk, Bev is sick, Darko has fears, Hannibal Extended Universe, M/M, Nigel knows what's up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 08:06:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10658424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devereauxs_Disease/pseuds/Devereauxs_Disease
Summary: When Bev gets sick while Adam and Nigel are visiting, Nigel has a thought as to the cause - Adam just wants to get away from the germs. After Nigel and Bev have a heart to fucking heart, Bev decides she needs to talk to Darko as well...





	You Gonna Piss on the Stick, Or What?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ninja_lover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninja_lover/gifts).



> This timestamp is for Ninja_lover, who requested more of the Bev/Darko relationship because I sort of short changed it in the series. I know you wanted the proposal scene, but I thought this might work as well. I hope you like it!

         “Beverly? Are you vomiting?” Adam tapped at the bathroom door again. “If you’re vomiting, I should probably leave, I don’t like being sick.”      

         Beverly wretched into the toilet again. She was never, ever eating gas station sushi again, no matter how far afield her cases took her. Everything had been just fine until Nigel and Adam had come over to watch the game, when one sniff of Nigel’s beer had sent her scrabbling for a toilet. Just the thought of that stale wheat smell had Bev lurching into the bowl again. ****

“Beverly? Nigel went to the store, he said he knew what to do.” She could hear Adam drumming his fingers nervously on the floor. “Would you like me to slide you a magazine under the door? I can do that without contaminating myself.”

         “It’s OK, Adam,” Her voice was raspy and her tongue tasted sour in her mouth. “I’m pretty sure it’s food poisoning.”

         “OK, but don’t open the door, just in case it’s the flu.” Adam sounded unconvinced. “I have an exam next week and I don’t want to be sick.”

         Bev rolled her eyes. That was as close to sympathy as she was probably going to get from Adam. Part of her wanted to call Darko, ask him to come home, so she could spend the night being cuddled and pampered. She dismissed the idea, she hated the idea of admitting she needed anyone, even now. She didn’t need her husband to feel better. She just needed to stop fucking puking.

         A knock rattled the door.

         “You’ve got your clothes on, yeah?”

         “Yes, Nigel.”

         The door opened.

         “I sent Adam home, he’s not great with this shit. He hopes you feel better and you don’t fucking infect him.” Nigel tromped into the bathroom, pausing to lay a plastic bag on the sink and grab a washcloth. He ran the cloth under the tap, wringing it out before he laid the cool cloth across the back of Bev’s neck. He flopped to the floor beside her. “You look fucking rough, Katz.”

         “I feel fucking rough, dick.”

         “OK, well I’ve got some stuff for you.” He grabbed the bag and handed it to her. She dug out a bottle of Pepto, two Powerades, and a pregnancy test. She blinked at it and looked at Nigel with wide eyes. “What? You’ve been trying for nearly a year, haven’t you?”

         Bev could feel her mouth falling open, she only hoped she wouldn’t puke again. Nigel shrugged.

         “Darko was fucking worried he was shooting blanks, I fucking told him with his aim, he’d be lucky if any of his fucking spunk found your eggs.”

         “He told you we were having trouble?” Something began roiling in her stomach again. Phil hadn’t told her he was worried. Did he not think he could tell her?

         “He told me he was afraid you married a sterile old man. I told him I didn’t want to hear about his fucking come anymore and he should just thank his lucky fucking stars you let him fuck you at all.” Nigel rolled his neck and motioned to the box. “You going to piss on the stick or what, gorgeous?”

         Bev looked at the box in her hands. Fuck, she had done shots last weekend at McKensie’s bachelorette party. She caught Nigel’s eye. “I don’t think I can pee right now.”

         Nigel rolled his eyes. “What the fuck do you think the Powerade is for? Chug, woman.”

         Bev laughed, grabbing the blue bottle and making a toasting motion.

                                                  

* * *

         Nigel sat outside the bathroom door, letting his head fall back onto the wood. He texted Adam, letting a smile curve his mouth.

>           **4:37pm  
>  **_Be home soon, gorgeous._

> **4:38pm  
>  ** _Good! I have washed my clothes and bathed. Is Bev ok? Do you feel sick? Should I get protective masks_ _?_

> **4:39pm  
>  **         Bev’s fine. I’m fine. _You’re not going to spray me with fucking Lysol when I get home, are you?_

> **4:41pm  
>  ** _No. But I would appreciate it if you stripped immediately and took a shower._

>           **4:44pm  
>  **_Only if you get in the shower with me, make sure I’m clean. ;)_

 

> **4:46pm  
>  ** _I told you I already had a shower, Nigel._

> **4:47pm  
>  ** _I wanna fuck, Cosmo._

> **4:48pm  
>  ** _Oh! Sure! After you shower.  
>  _ _And brush your teeth._

         Nigel started to laugh, but stopped when the door opened. He held up a finger, asking Bev for a minute.

> **4:50pm  
>  ** _I fucking love you, Cosmo. I’ll call you when I’m on my way._

         Nigel pocketed his phone and turned. Bev’s hand was trembling and her eyes were wide.

         “Up the duff, then?”

         She nodded, holding out the positive test.

         “I don’t want your fucking piss stick, Bev. I believe you.”

         Bev shook her head and sat the stick on the sink. She wandered into the living room and flopped on the couch. Nigel followed, throwing an arm around her and drawing her close.

         “What’s wrong?”

         Bev shook her head. “I…I started to think it wasn’t going to happen. I stopped mentioning it to Phil. I didn’t even fucking check this month.” She looked at Nigel, eyes watering. “Fuck, Nigel, I had so much fucking vodka last weekend.”

         “I wouldn’t worry, Bev. My mother was drunk and turning tricks most of her pregnancy and look how fucking great I turned out!” Bev rolled her eyes and smacked him. “Look, we all know you and Adam are going to get together and start fucking planning and it’ll be nine fucking months of organic mac and cheese and fucking juice for all of us. Fuck it, you’ll probably even get Darko and I to do prenatal yoga or whatever the fuck guarantees your baby is a genius now. You’re going to be a great fucking mom, Bev.”

         Bev bit her lip, then smiled. Gently, she took Nigel’s hand and placed it on her stomach. “You’re going to be a great fucking uncle, Nigel.”

         Nigel shook his head, but his hand stayed, softly stroking over her middle.

         “You will. I’ll always know the kid is safe with you. You protect family over everything.” Nigel scrunched his brow, his vision blurring a little as his eyes pricked with tears. Bev winked. “I’ll also know why the kid’s first word is _cunt_ , but what the hell? Might as well learn from the fucking best.”

         Nigel laughed, wiping at his eyes with his free hand. He opened his mouth to speak when the door banged open.

         “Bev? Adam called me. You OK, baby? I stopped by the deli to get that matzah soup you lik-” Darko froze when he saw Nigel and Bev cuddled on the couch. His eyes darted from their teary eyes to the large hand still on Bev’s stomach. Darko sighed. “Please tell me you’re not leaving me for him. I don’t think I can handle Adam on my own.” 

         Nigel rolled his eyes and pulled Bev into a hug. He flipped Darko off as he kissed the side of Bev’s head.

         “I’m fucking sorry, Bev. The baby’s going to be at least 50% asshole,” Nigel whispered into her hair.

         Bev laughed, shoving Nigel as he moved to get up. “Alright, get out. Phil and I have to discuss which room is going to be the nursery.”

         “We’ve already talked about that! The back room with the good sunlight. We had that settl-” Darko choked on his own words, eyes going wide. The bag of soup slipped from his hands, Nigel managed to grab it before it hit the floor.

         “Congratulations, you fuck,” Nigel smiled, sitting the soup on the coffee table and playfully nudging his statue of a friend as he walked out the door.

         Darko just stared for a long moment, his mouth forming words his brain wouldn’t release. Finally, he managed one. 

         “Bev?”

         She smiled and nodded, just once. Darko rushed forward, grabbing her head in his hands and pressing kisses all over her face. He started laughing, pulling her into his arms as tears spilled down his cheeks. She shifted, moving to sit in his lap and gently brushing his tears away with her fingertips.

         “I should go to the doctor’s to be sure. It’s just one test.”

         “But do you think you’re pregnant?”

         “Yeah, I do.”

         Darko let out a shaking breath, his smile bright. He buried his face in Bev’s neck.

                                                  

* * *

         Bev threaded her fingers through Darko’s hair, smiling at the man curled around her stomach, whispering little secrets to her bellybutton. “Why didn’t you tell me you were worried?”

         Darko looked up, frown on his face. “What?”

         “Nigel said you were worried it took us so long. You never said anything about it to me.”

         Darko stroked her stomach one more time. “Excuse me, Junior. I’ve got to talk to mama.”

         Bev rolled her eyes, but laughed anyway. Darko army crawled up her body, elbows framing her as he shimmied. He stopped briefly to press a kiss to the silver microscope that hung around her neck before moving up to her face.

         “You wanted to see me?”

         Bev fought very hard to keep the grin off her face. “Why didn’t you talk to me? I have to be easier to talk to than Nigel.”

         Darko sighed, he seemed very interested in the pillowcase by her head all of a sudden. “It was just one more thing, wasn’t it? One more reason for you to go.”

         Bev frowned, it felt like he’d struck her. “What?”

         “I know why you turned down those people.”

         “What people?”

         “The ones who took us to dinner, asked if you’d be interested in running for county commissioner.” Bev reached up to touch Darko’s face, but he caught her wrist, eyes sad. “Hard to get elected if your husband’s a former drug dealer.”

         “Stop.”

         “What if someone finds out when the kid’s in school?”

         “Phil, stop.” She pulled her hand back, he wouldn’t look at her.

         “Is that why you’re taking the job at Cal Tech? So no one at the Sheriff’s Department goes digging?”

         “They know.”

         Darko gaped at her, eyes wide.

         “I told Jim when I knew you were it.” Bev used Darko’s shock to her advantage, twisting her arms around his neck and pulling him closer. She pecked a few kisses across his chin. “He was very understanding. His kid caught a charge for possession a few years back. I wanted to make sure no one ever tried to use you against me.”

         “But-”

         “I took the job because the money is better, the healthcare is good, and I can still consult on cases. Plus, my hours are flexible, so I can do things like go to school plays or science fairs.” She paused, twisting her mouth into a grin. “Maybe surprise my husband at the office for a quickie.” 

         Darko’s eyes began to water. “I…I just thought-”

         “You’re part of the plan, idiot. You’ve been part of the plan since I saw you huffing after me in those ridiculous spandex tights.” Bev ran a hand through his hair. “You’re not holding me back, Dorko. No one has ever held me back.”

         “I worry sometimes.”

         “You worry all the fucking time.” Bev bopped him on the nose. “I’m not Nigel, I can take care of myself. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know when you’re worried. You tell me before you tell Nigel, you understand?”

         Darko nodded, his face solemn. “If we have trouble with the next one, I promise I’ll talk to you before I tell fuckface.”

         “THE NEXT ONE?” Bev spluttered. “How many Dalca brats am I looking at here, Phil?”

         Darko frowned, tapping his finger to his chin in thought. “How many do we need to start an American football team?”

         Bev laughed, shoving him off her. “Let’s get through this one, first. Then we can discuss franchising.”

         He settled his hand back on her stomach, tapping lightly. “You hear that, Junior? Be good so mama won’t mind expanding the team.”

         Bev thumped him in the shoulder. “Stop with the Junior bullshit. We don’t even know it’s a boy.”

         Darko laughed, face incredulous. “Boy? It’s not a fucking boy. It’s a girl, Beverly Hettienne Katz Junior!”

         Beverly raised an eyebrow, Darko frowned.

         “What? Beverly Katz II sounds dumb.” His fingers began stroking her stomach again. “She’s going to be so fucking smart, Bev. She’ll know all about dead bodies and space… Nigel and I can teach her how to spot skunk weed.”

         Bev smacked him. Darko shrugged.

         “We can also teach her how to beat the shit out of someone or avoid security cameras? What do you think?”

         “I think you’re fucking ridiculous.” Bev whispered, but she could already picture a little girl in Darko’s arms, someone that would love him as much as she did. “And I think we’re both lucky your ours.”

         “I’ve been yours since the day we met.” Darko pulled her close, hand slipping under her pajama bottoms. “Want me to prove it?”

         Bev smiled, leaning into the familiar warmth of his touch.

         “Always.”


End file.
